A man comes home late one night, drunk.

“Where have you been?” asks his wife.

“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

“Do you have golden chairs?” “Yes.”

“Do you have golden glasses?” “Yes.”

“Do you have golden beer?” “Yes.”

“Do you have a golden urinal?” “Hold on.”

On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet $20 he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Bob took the money.

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You’re wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”