“Has anyone ever actually made it to the fourth paragraph?”, asked a concerned citizen, wondering if this would be the story that pushes independents over the line, “and if they don’t because they were caught in the web of a shiny ad and nobody is around, does it make a noise?”

These are all very important questions, patriots, if we’re to make it to the 200 words necessary for Facebook to consider it worth disseminating. God Bless America.